Thailand 2014

Just left the house otw to the airport. Can feel some kind of pressure just weighing down on me. Anxiety. 20 days to come back, shouldn't be a problem right? I just dislike going overseas. Anyway, today didn't really work out. Didn't get to meet Nikki for lunch. Ended up going to KFC by myself and getting a 3piece meal and some ice cream after that. At least I had a memorable meal, albeit by myself. My NS friends have become the closest people to me now, I think the friendship between me and Nikki will just continue to drift and we both know that. Maybe there is something I can do about it but I don't know what that is. Yanling was also unavailable to meet up. I've got to stop making her my 2nd choice. No one deserves that but I guess I just want some company. I wish that I could have at least someone sending me off at the airport this time. 5 times already. Sometimes it just makes me feel less important then others.

Don't know if this is emotional or physical pain. Sucks though

Woah finally downloaded blogger app again. Half year has passed! Lots of stuff has happened but I'm kind of lazy to type it all out. Long story short, completed the whole training company journey together with 5th company.

Comms Ball

Been more than a month since my last post. Well obviously I had a lot of trouble finding a comms ball date. I got rejected 3 times before finally making it. Well first, Yan ling rejected me. She said it was weird. Well, up till now I still don't understand. All I needed was a friend to help me. I guess that was one of the most needy periods of my army life and..  enough said. As time went by, I got even more desperate. So I asked Suchi. Of course she rejected me because she was attached. But then it was expected so I didn't feel much other than a growing sense of desperation. So finally I asked Nikki. I thought maybe she could understand the desperation I was in and just help me out in the capacity of a friend. But in the end she didnt accept either. And she said because she didnt go with the other guy either. I just forgot his name lol. But I still remember I hate his guts. Oh well. But finally I asked jesslyn and she went with me! Quite a big surprise. Anyway, she is really a nice girl and the night turned out to be more enjoyable then I expected. Of course there were certain awkward moments but we moved past them. This episode only made me reflect on my time in jc. Of the 2 years, I only made friends with 2 girls, and only one extremely close female friend. On hindsight, I better choose my friends properly next time. I have wanted to say this for so long. A friend in need is a friend indeed. And apparently I do not have any female friends indeed. Just feeling frustrated today because I have been selling myself the lie that I have gotten over her. The emotions that I am feeling right now prove otherwise.

In camp now for CDO duty. Oh well. Not even going to spend a night at home this weekend. But I have to say its definitely not my worst weekend. Next week is pantherstrike already. Get it over and done with! 1/4 down a bit more to the end of pro term!

291113

Been coughing nonstop for the past couple of days. Fell sick already in Taiwan. Running nose, headache, sore throat, slight fever. Sigh today was a complete waste of time in OCS. I dont know how long more I can take it in that damn place. Get me out soon please. And btw Nikki just changed her profile pic to another of her and her bf. Just to continue listing stuff that went wrong today.

Taiwan!

Was really dreading this trip. And before I left, all the memories of my previous trip all came to me. Like the time when I called you and you finally picked up. I was so happy like a little boy and all my friends saw. That was really quite silly when I look back. But anyway, this time we went Heng Chun camp and honestly, it was much easier then expected. Half the time was spent in my bed. Brunei was really much worse. The positives of Taiwan are the cool weather and when you have endured a tough climb up hilly terrain, you can enjoy the beautiful view of the hilltops right in front. I was in the CRT team for finale and a full commando team really makes a difference.  In brunei, I took the signal set most of the time but this time, my new friend was the MG. I think I was in the MG Team at least 3/4 of the time. The defence missions were the worst for me, as I fell asleep atop .108 as the OP and braved freezing winds at White House to massacre Pooven's forces. Heh. R&r was much more enjoyable and we commandos are really becoming tighter as the days go by. I got a panda flowery shirt. They say it looks like a mafia shirt. But I fell sick in taiwan and still haven't got better yet. Its not supposed to take so long!

Blogging again

Been a long time since I blogged. Partly because I changed phone and I no longer have the blogger app. Many things have happened in the recent weeks. Been to taiwan and back, 7 more weeks to commissioning. Shall talk about Taiwan in my next post. I guess I only blog when I have alot on my mind and no one to talk to.

Today hasn't been easy. Planning has resumed and I had difficulty with my SOC. Tmr is the test should be okay I guess. Just Hulk Smash and bulldoze my way through. Sheer grit and determination not to lose face. I really need somebody to talk to. The longer I keep this in the worse I feel. My mind is just drifting for the entire day. But at least I watched an episode of TBBT today and had some Linkin Park. It always helps me feel better. Albeit temporarily.

Back to camp!

Finally got my laptop. Now I can watch movies and play music! Today hasn't been a really good day. For one my mind keeps drifting off to things I shouldn't be thinking about. And also, we were made to weave and unweave our ILBV like multiple times. That really pissed me off. My specs also broke today, without me even doing anything to it...... I guess it was already brittle and not in very good condition. but oh well. not an ideal day. On the brightside, I had the COC today! Finally back to my man-mode and no longer an appointment holder. But I feel more responsible now and that I have a duty to do the right things. I also volunteered to be an armskote man and somehow I'm now the OIC. I have no idea how I have ended up doing the job that I promised myself I would avoid at all costs and being the in charge.... Now all I can think of is that I wonder how you are doing and that if you feel unhappy, would you come to me for consolation?

No Monday Blues!

Today has been quite good I have to say. Went to the gym in the morning then bought lots of food for brunch. Economic beehoon, carrot cake, prata, you mian... Had a really good meal haha. And I also confirmed that Nikki is attached. Well at least I cleared that up. Not sure what the future holds but at least it won't be so negative! Not exactly in the best of moods but I think I'm starting to know how emotionless feels like. Oh the irony.. But it's not a good sign because I always want to feel something. Be it good or bad, emotions are what make me. I don't want to be like a stone. Okay the major blimp of my day is that my frigging games are not working. Darkness II wasn't really my type and I felt quite sian. Path of exile still refuses to work and Company of Heroes II too. Haiz. The next time I meet JY I've got lots to tell him ad discuss. One of them is whether or not I should buy a 3DS hehe. Later most probably going to whitesands to buy stuff and probably watch a movie or two on megashare. And of course pack my bags for book in tmr! I think I shall just leave at around 530. If the keys are not available I shall just wash my stuff and do some pt in the meantime. But how am I going to get there? I still have no answer to that

Depressing Stuff

Alright I think I'm ready to talk about the sad stuff now. Well, during R&R I went to the LAN shop to play games with thad, Alex and Leon. Well, to sum it up, I suck at Dota. So I went onto Twitter to stalk Nikki. At least my wish came true. Now she has a boyfriend and she's happy. Some part of my mind is telling myself that I saw wrongly or that I misunderstood. But I've been living in denial for so long that I'm already familiar with that feeling. There's no point going back to double check because I know what I saw and that what I saw was real. I'm not going to make the same mistake I made over half a year ago. Not going to be that stupid again. This time I still have no idea what to do but I'm not going to be emo and crybaby all over it. Just move on, not try to avoid her but at the same  time not going to approach her. I feel less now. Probably because I'm starting to get over her? But I know my heart felt cold the moment I found out. The feeling sucks and I keep feeling the anger rising up within me. Sometimes I'm angry with her but that's unreasonable so most of the time I'm just pissed with myself for being so silly. It was always a pipe dream. But I guess the most silly thing was that I always thought that I had a chance. Not that I thought that I was going to succeed but that I at least stood a chance. Meant something. Now I know I had already pushed my luck. Good friend was the furthest I was going to go. And now looking back, I feel bad because of all the wrong decisions I made. Decisions to put her first in front of my studies, sleep, recreation, in front of my old friends, my family. All these should have been more important and I failed to see that in the past. Family is really the most important thing in our life. Your friends can leave you, can ignore you but your family will always be there. Sure, there will be friction but we are related by blood and nothing can ever change that. And that's what matters. Nothing can ever make your family, not be your family anymore. That didn't really make much grammatical sense but who cares. So now, not going to blog about Nikki again, gonna try to blog about more of my life, about positive stuff and maybe in the future I can get my friends to start reading my blog. But for now, it should just stay this way. My blog is way too negative heh. And it's my own outlet of RAGE!!!

Finale!

Back from Brunei! Going to talk abit about Brunei first before I go into the depressing stuff. Brunei really wasn't easy with the terrain. JCC I guess wasn't really the highlight, it was the way I died at Nagalang during Helang 1. If there is any regrets I have, that definitely is up there at number one. But th trip as a whole was really fast and I would rather go Brunei then go back to Hukou Camp any day. But I think I really felt completely weak on the last day of JCC. Lack of food and carrying the signal set for the past 8 days made Trekker really unbearable for me. Getting weak already I need to build up my fitness like mad. Still have my IPPT to clear. Later better do some PT. God please give me the determination to carry this through. But JCC really made me want to eat all the food in the world. At least I had Zi Char with my family just now. They are truly the most important people in the world. Not any other girl.

So much for a week. I couldn't even resist for a day. I think I almost went out of my mind. I still have two overlays left. Seriously going to rage alr. There's this burning anger inside me. Blog alot this few days. Maybe it's cause I have alot to say and twitter is no longer safe for me to do so. I don't want to hurt people's feelings or affect them so it's better to just blog 

Been thinking about her since the moment I woke up at 8. It's like overcoming an addiction. COLD TURKEY! Really doesn't feel good although cold turkey is a bit of an exaggeration heh

Summary

Oh to sum things up, if Nikki saw this blog I'll probably be dead meat

7th month

My excuse is that tonight is the 7th month that's why I'm sending her home again. It's supposed to be the last time and I'm going to really stick by it. This time I'm serious and really giving up on her. Half of her personality and character is everything I look for in a girl. Nice, kind, soft spoken, funny, cute. Her other half is exactly what I hate in girls. More specifically, the kind of girls I avoid. She apparently is very high profile, the crazy fangirling I kind of it past it, but most of all she has really many male good friends. Call me crazy or what but yea I'm jealous. It doesn't matter anymore, I'm going to test myself on how long I can take. I guess probably a week. I'm going all the way already. I honestly don't know how to be good friends with a girl. Usually after good friends come girlfriend but this one wont work out. Enough time spent on her, I have to move on with my life. But Nikki will always be a good friend and I hope she finds a guy that will always love her and her next boyfriend will b her last.

Heh Nikki asked about this blog just now. Big mouth sia go tweet about it. How to show her when probably 90% of my posts are about her and like half of them have her name? Half of me wants to how her but I know I can't. Our relationship will just worsen then things will get awkward. But it's okay. I realize I still enjoy talking to her alot. It seems like she still is a person who I can really feel at ease talking to.

Now I just wish she would find a boyfriend quickly. So I can finally give up

Do I ever cross your mind?