In camp now for CDO duty. Oh well. Not even going to spend a night at home this weekend. But I have to say its definitely not my worst weekend. Next week is pantherstrike already. Get it over and done with! 1/4 down a bit more to the end of pro term!

291113

Been coughing nonstop for the past couple of days. Fell sick already in Taiwan. Running nose, headache, sore throat, slight fever. Sigh today was a complete waste of time in OCS. I dont know how long more I can take it in that damn place. Get me out soon please. And btw Nikki just changed her profile pic to another of her and her bf. Just to continue listing stuff that went wrong today.

Taiwan!

Was really dreading this trip. And before I left, all the memories of my previous trip all came to me. Like the time when I called you and you finally picked up. I was so happy like a little boy and all my friends saw. That was really quite silly when I look back. But anyway, this time we went Heng Chun camp and honestly, it was much easier then expected. Half the time was spent in my bed. Brunei was really much worse. The positives of Taiwan are the cool weather and when you have endured a tough climb up hilly terrain, you can enjoy the beautiful view of the hilltops right in front. I was in the CRT team for finale and a full commando team really makes a difference.  In brunei, I took the signal set most of the time but this time, my new friend was the MG. I think I was in the MG Team at least 3/4 of the time. The defence missions were the worst for me, as I fell asleep atop .108 as the OP and braved freezing winds at White House to massacre Pooven's forces. Heh. R&r was much more enjoyable and we commandos are really becoming tighter as the days go by. I got a panda flowery shirt. They say it looks like a mafia shirt. But I fell sick in taiwan and still haven't got better yet. Its not supposed to take so long!

Blogging again

Been a long time since I blogged. Partly because I changed phone and I no longer have the blogger app. Many things have happened in the recent weeks. Been to taiwan and back, 7 more weeks to commissioning. Shall talk about Taiwan in my next post. I guess I only blog when I have alot on my mind and no one to talk to.

Today hasn't been easy. Planning has resumed and I had difficulty with my SOC. Tmr is the test should be okay I guess. Just Hulk Smash and bulldoze my way through. Sheer grit and determination not to lose face. I really need somebody to talk to. The longer I keep this in the worse I feel. My mind is just drifting for the entire day. But at least I watched an episode of TBBT today and had some Linkin Park. It always helps me feel better. Albeit temporarily.

Back to camp!

Finally got my laptop. Now I can watch movies and play music! Today hasn't been a really good day. For one my mind keeps drifting off to things I shouldn't be thinking about. And also, we were made to weave and unweave our ILBV like multiple times. That really pissed me off. My specs also broke today, without me even doing anything to it...... I guess it was already brittle and not in very good condition. but oh well. not an ideal day. On the brightside, I had the COC today! Finally back to my man-mode and no longer an appointment holder. But I feel more responsible now and that I have a duty to do the right things. I also volunteered to be an armskote man and somehow I'm now the OIC. I have no idea how I have ended up doing the job that I promised myself I would avoid at all costs and being the in charge.... Now all I can think of is that I wonder how you are doing and that if you feel unhappy, would you come to me for consolation?

No Monday Blues!

Today has been quite good I have to say. Went to the gym in the morning then bought lots of food for brunch. Economic beehoon, carrot cake, prata, you mian... Had a really good meal haha. And I also confirmed that Nikki is attached. Well at least I cleared that up. Not sure what the future holds but at least it won't be so negative! Not exactly in the best of moods but I think I'm starting to know how emotionless feels like. Oh the irony.. But it's not a good sign because I always want to feel something. Be it good or bad, emotions are what make me. I don't want to be like a stone. Okay the major blimp of my day is that my frigging games are not working. Darkness II wasn't really my type and I felt quite sian. Path of exile still refuses to work and Company of Heroes II too. Haiz. The next time I meet JY I've got lots to tell him ad discuss. One of them is whether or not I should buy a 3DS hehe. Later most probably going to whitesands to buy stuff and probably watch a movie or two on megashare. And of course pack my bags for book in tmr! I think I shall just leave at around 530. If the keys are not available I shall just wash my stuff and do some pt in the meantime. But how am I going to get there? I still have no answer to that

Depressing Stuff

Alright I think I'm ready to talk about the sad stuff now. Well, during R&R I went to the LAN shop to play games with thad, Alex and Leon. Well, to sum it up, I suck at Dota. So I went onto Twitter to stalk Nikki. At least my wish came true. Now she has a boyfriend and she's happy. Some part of my mind is telling myself that I saw wrongly or that I misunderstood. But I've been living in denial for so long that I'm already familiar with that feeling. There's no point going back to double check because I know what I saw and that what I saw was real. I'm not going to make the same mistake I made over half a year ago. Not going to be that stupid again. This time I still have no idea what to do but I'm not going to be emo and crybaby all over it. Just move on, not try to avoid her but at the same  time not going to approach her. I feel less now. Probably because I'm starting to get over her? But I know my heart felt cold the moment I found out. The feeling sucks and I keep feeling the anger rising up within me. Sometimes I'm angry with her but that's unreasonable so most of the time I'm just pissed with myself for being so silly. It was always a pipe dream. But I guess the most silly thing was that I always thought that I had a chance. Not that I thought that I was going to succeed but that I at least stood a chance. Meant something. Now I know I had already pushed my luck. Good friend was the furthest I was going to go. And now looking back, I feel bad because of all the wrong decisions I made. Decisions to put her first in front of my studies, sleep, recreation, in front of my old friends, my family. All these should have been more important and I failed to see that in the past. Family is really the most important thing in our life. Your friends can leave you, can ignore you but your family will always be there. Sure, there will be friction but we are related by blood and nothing can ever change that. And that's what matters. Nothing can ever make your family, not be your family anymore. That didn't really make much grammatical sense but who cares. So now, not going to blog about Nikki again, gonna try to blog about more of my life, about positive stuff and maybe in the future I can get my friends to start reading my blog. But for now, it should just stay this way. My blog is way too negative heh. And it's my own outlet of RAGE!!!

Finale!

Back from Brunei! Going to talk abit about Brunei first before I go into the depressing stuff. Brunei really wasn't easy with the terrain. JCC I guess wasn't really the highlight, it was the way I died at Nagalang during Helang 1. If there is any regrets I have, that definitely is up there at number one. But th trip as a whole was really fast and I would rather go Brunei then go back to Hukou Camp any day. But I think I really felt completely weak on the last day of JCC. Lack of food and carrying the signal set for the past 8 days made Trekker really unbearable for me. Getting weak already I need to build up my fitness like mad. Still have my IPPT to clear. Later better do some PT. God please give me the determination to carry this through. But JCC really made me want to eat all the food in the world. At least I had Zi Char with my family just now. They are truly the most important people in the world. Not any other girl.

So much for a week. I couldn't even resist for a day. I think I almost went out of my mind. I still have two overlays left. Seriously going to rage alr. There's this burning anger inside me. Blog alot this few days. Maybe it's cause I have alot to say and twitter is no longer safe for me to do so. I don't want to hurt people's feelings or affect them so it's better to just blog 

Been thinking about her since the moment I woke up at 8. It's like overcoming an addiction. COLD TURKEY! Really doesn't feel good although cold turkey is a bit of an exaggeration heh

Summary

Oh to sum things up, if Nikki saw this blog I'll probably be dead meat

7th month

My excuse is that tonight is the 7th month that's why I'm sending her home again. It's supposed to be the last time and I'm going to really stick by it. This time I'm serious and really giving up on her. Half of her personality and character is everything I look for in a girl. Nice, kind, soft spoken, funny, cute. Her other half is exactly what I hate in girls. More specifically, the kind of girls I avoid. She apparently is very high profile, the crazy fangirling I kind of it past it, but most of all she has really many male good friends. Call me crazy or what but yea I'm jealous. It doesn't matter anymore, I'm going to test myself on how long I can take. I guess probably a week. I'm going all the way already. I honestly don't know how to be good friends with a girl. Usually after good friends come girlfriend but this one wont work out. Enough time spent on her, I have to move on with my life. But Nikki will always be a good friend and I hope she finds a guy that will always love her and her next boyfriend will b her last.

Heh Nikki asked about this blog just now. Big mouth sia go tweet about it. How to show her when probably 90% of my posts are about her and like half of them have her name? Half of me wants to how her but I know I can't. Our relationship will just worsen then things will get awkward. But it's okay. I realize I still enjoy talking to her alot. It seems like she still is a person who I can really feel at ease talking to.

Now I just wish she would find a boyfriend quickly. So I can finally give up

Do I ever cross your mind?

Lazy

Been a long time since I last blogged. Always have words I want to say but never get the chance to say them. I usually end up just saying them in my head and forgetting about them. Anyway in OCS now. The culture is really different and to b honest, I can't wait to go back to Hendon. Commando pride. Also trying to get over Nikki now. Samuel also said that its about time and I kind of agree. But it's really not that easy. Still have about one more month? Or otherwise I can have something t think bout while I'm in Brunei. 15 Sept I will be flying. Going to miss her birthday too. Not that it means anything to her. Sigh so much for moving on

Book out on Friday!

Really exhausted. Mentally, physically and emotionally drained to my limits. Idk why a 16km fast march can be so hard on me. BAC has been great this week, plenty of free time and fun doing tower jumps. Still a nights out virgin though. Barely talked to Nikki this entire week. It's like I'm going through withdrawal symptoms. Really want to talk to her but I should refrain from doing so. Not talking so much would be better and I should just wait for her to reply. Sigh. Yup and I still miss you...

Airborne Ranger Commando

Starting airborne tmr. I really have no idea what we are going to do an the level of welfare. I hope we don't have to attend all the lessons but I doubt it will happen. Just survive airborne, not get injured and remain fit all the way. MUST REACH OCS! And I still miss Nikki sigh. I should end of each post like this

Trouble

I'm really in quite alot of trouble. I doubt I will ever get over Nikki in the short run. Not that I didn't try, or am not trying. It's just too difficult. I need to get a girlfriend. That just sounds desperate. But I guess what I need is a partner, someone I can really relate to and share. Someone whom I trust enough and really love. Sadly I think I have to wait until Uni to be attached. I miss the feeling where you care for someone and you know she cares for you too. Sick of this one sides feeling. Am I to endure this for the next two years? Please no get over her ASAP 

I was right!

Well what did I say? Class outing really cancelled because of lack of attendance. Previously I was disappointed. Now it's just like WHAT THE FUCK. Nothing else more to say. My stomach is just being a fucker today. Food poisoning I guess. Sakura is really an expensive meal. Paid alot, more than just money. I think I can round up the count for today at 6 times I had diarrhea. Champion.

Back from a long hiatus

Finally blogging again. Spent a long month in Taiwan. Don't really feel like blogging about my experiences there. This blog isn't for public viewing anyway, it's more for my ranting. But it's been a poor block leave so far. The haze has been really bad and I guess the only thing it affects is my mood. Supposed to meet Nikki yesterday for dinner but cancelled because the haze was too bad. What to do? JTB. I doubt I'm going to meet her during block leave. I think it's better this way, to stay like virtual friends. Probably we'll drift apart after some time. I'm just curious to see what happens after uni begins. I probably was too optimistic or should I say naive in the past. Just keep 9 March fresh in my memory. And also I was supposed to meet JY tmr. Cancelled as well because he wanted to go out with his mum. Well this sucks. All I need now is for the class outing to be cancelled. Which is not impossible. I can even think of a reason like people can't make it or couldn't agree on an activity. Well this block leave really couldn't come at a worse time. I'm so tempted to just stay home and sleep and play comp everyday. Sometimes I wonder if I do have depression. Perhaps not Because I'm too crazy for that. But periods like this really bring my morale down. Now my life consists of army. Is there nothing else for me? Time for OCS and as usual, leave all problems at the gate.

Last one already. Going to leave soon. I really have this anxiety problem about being late. The feeling sucks. It's like having bees in my stomach. Anw goodbye to everything and everyone. One month is a long time. Once again I just keep thinking about her. Goodbye to you too esp. Sigh byes

Taiwan

I'm going to miss Nikki alot. I wish she could see this.

Sometimes I'm sad that my friends don't know about this blog. So no one knows how I'm feeling. But in a way it good cos I can post whatever I want and nobody knows nor judges

9th of March

It's been two months alr. But I doubt that I'm the same as I was before.

Tired of being tired. Come please I want CSLC to end

Labour Day

Today is Labour Day! Booked out ystd and shagged out after the 6km fast march. Only had 3h of sleep the prev night. Need sleep. NOW. But anw met Nikki for dinner just now. Glad to see her. That's all I can say. Her problems are really not what I can handle nor help. All I can say is that my heart aches for her. But I can do nothing. So take care! You will always be important to your family members and to me. So stay strong! Okay I need to sleep

Yet another week with the "leaders". Really regret joining. Not sure what the future holds for me. I've got enough problems with my heart. Just spent the whole day thinking of her and it just ruins my mood. Why??? How long must I need to get over her

Keep thinking about it. It's like 75% compatible but the last 25% is stuff that I really hate. It's not just turn off its literally turn around... But anyway I already gave up. So to speak. I know I haven't really out her down yet. Nvm I can have relationships in university. With a different girl. Now's not the time. And not the girl either

My ankle still far from recovered. Ystd I went to do pull ups and by instinct I jumped up to the bar and it frigging hurt. Sian. Long long way to recovery and I'm screwed

Yet another night spent at home. Had dinner with Nikki and it was nice. Not going to see her again for a long while thanks to leaders course. Maybe at least 3 months? Wanted to meet JY today but he went Taiwan. Going over to Taiwan myself on 19 May! Gonna miss JY bday and Nat's too. My own bday I'm being confined haiz. Lazy to blog alot. This shall be it

Leander's Course

Booking in once more. Now I don't have det 4 to slack with me anymore. Buck up and train hard! I'm gonna be really fit and fight for my OCS spot. Make my friends and family proud. Make Nikki proud to have a commando officer as a friend. Make Jing Yi proud of me as well. First I must recover from my injury. Push on and fight!

Still have my swollen ankle. Actually my entire foot is swollen. Tmr going to leaders course already. Just gg la. Ready sian ttm. No one can help me. Just suck it up lo. Tmr also need to go buy ankle guard. Lazy like siao. Also heard that tmr night there will be turnout. Yay so fun I can participate from the side with my status band -.- Anw I can't find my medicine and the attend B letter. Hopefully Mark knows where it is or else. No letter I have no excuse. Even if I have a pig's trotter. For the first time I don't want to book in.

Today has just been a bad day for me. Supposed for everything to go well. POP, end of 24km route march, I was the left marker and even on the front row. Sianz at the the end of the 24km I twisted my ankle. Now I can't even meet Nikki tmr. Really too disappointed. Looking forward to meeting her but I guess I can forget about seeing her for a long while. Really sian feeling to watch the rest march in the parade while I sit by the side. No mood to talk about it. I have to say that I really want to talk to Nikki but I don't know why I don't really have the mood. Sighs. Just hope she is okay now

Me and Nikki have settled our differences alr. Actually we alr did it last weekend. I think things will never be the same among us. Heh really no hope between us so I think I kind of have up alr. But just hope she remains cheerful and happy and quickly settle her problems. But it's good that we are able to talk like we did today. It really is a great day. But really tired from my 16km route march ystd. Haven't slept since 2230? I think I'm gonna fall asleep soon. But I like talking to her :) STAY AWAKE FIRST

About to go out. Scary max. I guess my weakness is girls. And my tendency to run away. I shouldn't be Alpine Ibex, but an Ostrich instead. Sigh... If later there is something good to take away, well I can't think of anything good that can happen. Having a completely negative mindset on this and I'm probably right

Shit man. Gonna meet Nikki later. For the first time I'm not looking forward to it. What else can she say? Most probably going to be super awkward and stuff. I hate this kind of talks. Like seriously hate them. Argh. Stupid me

Hehe Pikachoo. Good memories

Well Nikki is officially together with Sean. Kind of expected and my heart is like breaking into many pieces. Idk what to do. How do I continue talking to her? How to continue treating her like a friend. I can just forgo this friendship and forget her for the rest of my life but she really is a good friend. But every time I just think about her my heart breaks. Time heals all wounds I guess so I shall keep quiet for now. May my broken heart heal by itself. Anw we had a two week confinement last week. Outfield was really tiring. 8 days and we still had to stay in camp sigh. My shoulder also was injured in the process. Just really hope it recovers ASAP. Two weeks in camp and 1 night at home. I really hope life for the next two years won't be like this or it will be really sian

The End

Last night I found out Nikki finally likes another guy again. I knew for a long time coming that today would arrive but I never knew what to do. I still don't. 9 March. The end of 2 years of liking her. It really ends now at this very moment. So how to move forward? Idek how to talk to her now. I never talk frequently to girls unless I like them. But it has been a habit to talk to Nikki already. So will I lose this friend? It really is a dilemma over what to do. Why not you teach me what to do? I honestly have had my heart broken enough times already and now I don't care if you are sad or what. Maybe I will never talk to her again. Who knows? But the worst thing is that field camp is tmr and I have to mentally prepare myself for the horrors ahead. If I am not ready, I am going to suffer like never before. So I guess I just shall not talk to her for the next 1 week. Not like I have any choice. But maybe I will know what to do next by then. Is liking her and getting to know her the biggest regret of my life yet?

Home Sweet Home

Back once again from camp. Really tiring week. Went to Nee Soon for the firing range and we had to carry the freaking field pack. Some of us say its 10kg others guess its 30. I think it's about 10-20. So that's like 30kg of load on us with FBO. Really crazy. Also did a 8km route march with FBO ystd. Really shag but I kind of enjoyed myself. Just remain positive and there will always people to motivate. When I motivate others I'm like motivating myself. Field camp starting on Monday and its really quite sian. Book out on Saturday and book in on Sunday sigh. 8 days are really going to make or break me. I think I will be able to cope with it but I really have no idea. Stay strong and never give up. There is lots to do tmr before book in. Of course it includes watching the shows that have come out over the past week heh. But really tired I think I'm going to crash soon. I feel bad that I fell asleep ystd while talking to Nikki but I guess it doesn't matter that much right?

NS again

Booking in today. Past few days have been mixed. But I have great A level results with straight As and a C for Econs heh. I think Nikki is gonna to get attached soon so just have to suck it up and really move on now. Another 1 and a half hours to go and I'll be back in camp. Have been a mixture of looking forward to book in and sianness. Sigh hope faster go in then can feel better

NS

Two weeks haven't blog. First book out from army today! Not really used to civilian life after those two weeks. But I'm glad for the rest. Most likely wont be able to meet Nikki during this book out except on Friday when we take results. Maybe the next time I see her will be a few weeks from now. Sad but true

This is it

Tmr going in already. I can't fall asleep. I feel the stress and the pressure and I know what this is. Fear. I can't do anything, no one can. All I can do is hope time passes quickly so I quickly enlist and end this waiting. At the same time, it's the official end for my dreams and hopes. If I had ever wished for a miracle, nothing is going to happen. So I wish you good luck and have fun. Press on.

Yet another day gone! It's 2am and its Chinese New Year's Eve! Sigh army time after CNY.. Should really get some sleep now. Anw played SC2 again after a really long time off it. Well I still suck at it so no surprises there!

Maybe I should delete some of my previous posts? They are not what I would be proud of. But I guess this blog is just for me to blow off steam without offending or alerting anyone. But then I know a small part of me hopes that she somehow manages to find this and know how I really feel

Know how heartbreak feels like?

The moment when you know that your heart just got broken. It's not related to anything that just happened, just memories of the past. When I see the two of you together, it's like my heart just felt so heavy. Just a deep gloom and its a feeling that comes close to the worst I have ever felt thus far. Hearing you talk about your past experiences with him brought back that exact same feeling. All I can do is just look down and hope the feeling goes away soon. I should stop living in the past otherwise my heart will be permanently broken! It's more then sad and no words can do it justice. Heartbreak is a bad, bad thing to experience....

NS

Back from Ah Boys to Men II. Reality check for me that I'm about to enter army in less then a week. There's this feeling that I can't describe. It's a mixture of fear, sadness, happiness and excitement. One moment I'm looking forward to army, another moment I'm dreading the moment I enter. Well, nothing much I can do now. Tomorrow going gym! Gonna work until I feel completely drained then go for a swim hehe. Must really push myself tmr and squeeze every bit of energy

2013

Yes! The blog managed to survive lol. Been wanting to blog for a long time but have been too lazy to download the app. Now it's one more week till enlistment and I have resumed blogging! Have too much that I wish to say but it's okay. Shall just keep it to myself and if I ever manage to maintain this blog, I shall post it here! So bye bye for now